


Mnemo’syne

by jeepsarmitage



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: Basically Laura fucks up, F/F, Other, and I hope it fucks you up too, and that fucked me up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-21
Updated: 2015-11-21
Packaged: 2018-05-02 16:14:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 16,612
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5254895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jeepsarmitage/pseuds/jeepsarmitage
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i> In her defence, Carmilla was not expecting her day to play out the way it did. </i>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p><b> or: </b> the one where tiny, oblivious Laura doesn't read the fine print and screws up in a massive way</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Confessions

**Author's Note:**

> A massive shout out to carmillaismygalpal on tumblr who not only coordinated this years Carmilla Big Bang but also took on the artistic portion of my fic last minute! 
> 
> Additional shout out to Maroa (carmillatexts) who gave me the initial idea for this fic back in July so thank you for that my sweet pea
> 
> (I took some creative liberties with Greek Myth for this but let's be real, the Ancient Greeks probably have a shit tonne of secrets we don't know about and Mnemo'syne could very well have been chilling near the river waiting for over eager tiny gay's to summon them for this reason who knows??! not me!!)

 

> **Mnemo’syne** (Mnêmosunê): _memory, a daughter of Uranus, and one of the Titanides, became by Zeus the mother of the Muses._

 

.

 

**I. Confessions (or the beginning)**

 

.

 

When Laura Hollis had fallen in love with Carmilla Karnstein, she hadn’t even realised it had happened.

 

It was quick, and it was easy, and it hit her one morning when she was preparing for class. She had seen the sleeping figure sprawled out on the bed - a mess off loose hair and blankets that had knotted around the vampire’s legs during the night- and it had hit her in a quick rush that stabbed straight through her heart and knocked the breath out of her lungs.

It happened and she was left standing in the middle of their shared room, toothbrush hanging loosely out of her mouth causing toothpaste to trickle down her chin because all she could do was _stare_ at the sleeping figure that had given her this reaction. This figure that had left her breathless and somehow soaring despite having her feet still very much planted on the wooden floor of the dormitory.

With this realisation came a subsequent one. One in which Laura realised she would now have to decided what to do with this newfound information about herself. Never having found herself in such a position, she hightailed it out of there and over to Lafontaine’s room, telling herself that in a time of personal crisis it was perfectly okay to skip Intro to English Lit because who could possibly focus on the likes of Jane Eyre when one was having some form of early life crisis in which they questioned everything they had ever thought to be true about themselves?

(Nobody, was the correct answer, and Laura wasn’t about work against that fairly solid theory)

Wiping the toothpaste off of her chin and changed out of her pyjamas and into what could only be described as semi-clean sweat pants and a shirt Laura was fairly certain had been sitting on the floor next to her bed for over a month. She had barely been clothed for a minute before she rushed out of the room, abandoning the books in a pile on her desk and slamming the door behind her. No thought was spared regarding whether or not the sound would wake the creature that had caused this spontaneous internal crisis that Laura had absolutely no preparation for whatsoever.

_Karma_ , Laura later called it, when Carmilla complained about Laura’s less than quiet escape from their room.

(She didn’t explain for what, and Carmilla didn’t ask, instead rolling her eyes and slinking out to do whatever it was that Carmilla did when she went out at night. Laura didn’t have any desire to know, either, so she was completely content with Carmilla’s secretive ways; at least in regards to this particular situation.)

 

///

 

For their part, Lafontaine reacted rather positively to Laura barging into their room at 8 am on a Thursday. They were already up and vaguely functioning like a regular person, considering the fact they hadn’t exactly slept the night before. 

When they had relayed this fact to Laura, the tiny woman faltered only slightly before shaking her head and continuing to speak at a thousand words a minute. Lafontaine did briefly consider tranquilising the woman in order to make her to slow down, if only a little bit, but they decided in favour of ethics and personal morals and instead walked Laura over to their bed (only a slight challenge) and offered her some hot cocoa (Laura was in favour). Once Laura was situated with a steaming mug in her hands, Lafontaine again asked her to repeat her tangent, but at a rate suited to those in the room who were functioning on approximately zero hours of sleep.

“I’m in love with Carmilla.” Were the only words that came out of Laura’s mouth this time, before she began looking everywhere except directly at Lafontaine. The latter merely stared at Laura for a moment before blinking; shaking their head, and then stating, “Well, yeah.”

This caused Laura’s head to flick around and she stared at them, eyes wide and mouth agape, and for a moment Lafontaine wondered if Laura had been an insect in another life. Or perhaps, maybe, a deer, or even one of those nocturnal animals with the huge eyes that scared the crap out of them whenever they stayed back late in the bio labs. It was entirely possible, if you believed in reincarnation, and they made a mental note to research the biological prospects of such a thing later.

Right now, though, it seemed as though Laura was coming out of her state of shock and thus slowly regaining her ability to form words. So LaF turned their attention over to their friend. Leaning forward, they smiled as Laura’s mouth began moving in what LaF guessed was supposed to be words, but no sound came out so they waited until Laura closed her mouth, swallowed and tried again.

“How did you- _when_ did you? I don’t…” she stuttered and trailed off, and LaF couldn’t help but chuckle slightly. A few more words fell out of Laura’s mouth, most along the lines of ‘how’ and ‘when’ and LaF’s personal favourite, ‘why didn’t you say anything?’ which was yelled more than spoken, if LaF were honest. The exclamation seemed to shock Laura out of her panicked state and she was able to get a solid sentence out of her. “How did you know?”

LaF chuckled again. “I thought it was obvious.”

“That doesn’t answer my question.”

LaF shrugged.

“I didn’t even know. Not until this morning.”

LaF smiled.

“I don’t understand.”

“Does anyone?” LaF elevated an eyebrow, receiving a short glare in return before Laura picked up her mug and took a sip of her cocoa. LaF was fairly certain said cocoa would have to be cold by now. Laura didn’t show any indication of this being the case, though, so they didn’t say anything either. This _was_ Laura they were dealing with, LaF reminded themselves. And there was a bet between them and Perry wherein LaF had a lot of money staked on the theory that Laura would drink cocoa under absolutely any circumstances. So really, LaF though, they shouldn’t be too concerned.

They made another mental note to ask Laura later on if the cocoa was, indeed, cold.

“What am I going to do?”

LaF was jolted out of their thoughts by Laura’s small voice, and LaF frowned at the state of the normally cheerful girl. Laura looked absolutely broken, staring down into her mug with a fallen expression on her face and Lafontaine’s heart pulled a little at the sight.

“Well you have two options, really,” they began, and Laura looked up to meet their gaze. “You can a) tell Carmilla how you feel, or b) not tell her.” They shrugged, “it’s ultimately up to you.”

“But what if she doesn’t feel the same way?”

LaF had to remind themselves that laughing was not in their best interest at this point in time, and they pursed their lips in an attempt to stop the smirk from working it’s way onto their face. “I don’t think that will be an issue.”

Laura frowned. LaF sighed, trying their best to stay calm despite Laura’s ability to remain oblivious to the most obvious of things.

“I’m like, ninety-five per-cent sure that she is in love with you too.”

“What if you’re wrong?”

“I was right about you.”

Laura nodded. “Good point.”

She took another sip of her cocoa before standing up to take the empty mug to the sink.

“What are you going to do, then?” LaF turned around in the chair to look at Laura who smiled at them from across the room. She looked lighter, LaF noted, if that were possible. The shadow that had hung over her when she first came into the room was gone, and LaF could see the hint of a smile playing at Laura’s lips.

“I’m going to tell her how I feel, obviously.” Laura replied, walking back over to LaF. She leant down to hug them quickly before bouncing over to the door, opening it to leave. “Oh! And thanks for the cocoa. It really helped, even if I did drink most of it while it was cold.”

She laughed and left, closing the door behind her and LaF did a quick fist pump, reaching over to pick up their phone from the desk so they could text their small victory to Perry.

 

///

 

In her defence, Carmilla was not expecting her day to play out the way it did.

She wasn’t a morning person, so when Laura had slammed the door shut on her way out this morning, waking Carmilla from her sleep; it was only natural for her to be exceptionally grumpy. She did try to get back to sleep, of course, but it didn’t happen and she resigned herself to the fact that she would remain awake for the time being.

Laura didn’t return to their shared room until sometime after lunch, and Carmilla didn’t mind so much. She preferred to have the space to herself so as to make herself less grumpy for when Laura did return.

It was easier to live with Laura if Carmilla didn’t continuously piss said her off with her bad moods - or at least that was the excuse she told herself. If she were honest she would say that she enjoyed Laura’s company when said company wasn’t continuously angry with her. When Laura wasn’t complaining about Carmilla’s status as the “worst roommate ever”, and the two were instead having a legitimate conversation about something other than Carmilla’s bad habits, Laura would smile and laugh and Carmilla found that she liked it.

Which was why she drank the blood in the milk container and read several chapters of Plato before having a long shower. This was, Carmilla reasoned, an attempt to make herself less hostile and thus less of a general target for Laura’s contempt. And when Laura came bounding through the door all smiles and sunshine, Carmilla watched her over the top of her book and smiled to herself because Laura was singing to herself and it was nothing if not…endearing (read: _cute)._

Not that she would ever tell anyone that. She did have a reputation to maintain.

“Have you been reading this whole time?”

Laura sat down on her own bed and Carmilla sat up, marking her page and placing the book gently down beside her before she turned her attention to Laura.

“I haven’t been to class, if that’s what you’re asking.”

“You’re a terrible student.” It wasn’t an attack, just a fact, and Laura seemed rather amused by it if Carmilla were to judge by the way the human’s lips twitched upwards in the foundations of a smile. 

“I am indeed.”

Laura smiled at her before she pushed herself off her bed, telling Carmilla she was going for a shower but not to go anywhere because she has “something important to say and I kind of need you here if I’m going to tell it to you so please don’t run away because it is really important and I don’t think I’ll be able to work up the courage to say it later if you leave now”.

That certainly got her attention, and so she picked up her book again, stretching out as she heard the shower turn on and wondered idly what it was that Laura Hollis had to say that was so important.

 

///

 

“I’m in love with you.”

That certainly wasn’t the way Laura had planned on declaring her love, but once she had come out of the bathroom, towel drying her hair and saw Carmilla stretched out on her bed lost once again in whatever it was that she was reading, Laura couldn’t help the words from falling off of her tongue. And Carmilla jumped, the book falling off the side of the bed but lay forgotten as it’s owner instead gaped at Laura, who remained standing with her towel still wrapped around her hair.

“Excuse me?”

Laura bit her lip, eyes darting away from Carmilla who was now seated upright on the bed. She walked slowly over to her own bed and she sat herself down, twisting her fingers together – a nervous habit she had acquired from her father.

“I said,” Laura repeated, eyes still avoiding the figure on the other side of the room, “I’m in love with you.”

“That’s the important thing you wanted to say?”

Laura nodded.

“That’s what you needed to work up the courage to tell me, and didn’t think you’d be able to say later if I had disobeyed your request to stay in the room?”

Laura nodded again.

“Well, cupcake, you are nothing if not oblivious.”

At that, Laura stopped studying the flaking paintwork of the ceiling and stopped kneading her palm with her thumb, opting instead to stare at Carmilla, eyes wide in both surprise and confusion. Carmilla simply stared back, lips twitching upwards in the first hints of a smirk.

She looked amused, and Laura didn’t know how to react.

“Excuse me?”

“I said,” Carmilla repeated. She pushed herself up from the bed slowly and walked – or swayed, Laura thought – over to Laura’s side of the room. “That you are _nothing_ if not oblivious.”

Laura leant backwards as Carmilla reached her, bending down so that she was face-to-face with Laura.

“What do you mean?”

Carmilla smirked, reaching up to run the backs of her fingers down Laura’s cheek. She stopped at her chin and tilted Laura’s head back slightly.

“I mean exactly that,” her voice was soft now, and as Laura looked at Carmilla she could feel felt heart start to race and her mouth went dry. She licked her lips before replying.

“I don’t understand.”

The smirk that Carmilla replied with wasn’t what Laura was expecting, and she opened her mouth to retort but Carmilla’s soft voice cut her off.

“I mean that if you had paid any ounce of attention these last few weeks, you wouldn’t of had to work up any courage at all,” her smirk grew and her face moved closer and Laura found the next words caused Carmilla’s lips to graze over her own. “Because you would have seen that I am in love with _you_.”

And then Carmilla kissed her and Laura was entirely unprepared for the act, but she reacted and reached out to grab hold of Carmilla’s waist to stop herself from falling backwards onto the bed. She felt as Carmilla smiled against her lips, and Laura took the opportunity to press harder into her, standing up and pulling Carmilla closer, twisting and knotting her hands into the fabric of Carmilla’s shirt.

Carmilla steadied herself, snaking one hand up to Laura’s neck and she ran her fingers through Laura’s hair before grabbing onto the woman’s waist, pulling her in closer.

They stayed like that until Laura pulled away, light headed and rather dazed from the lack of oxygen, and she looked at Carmilla before smiling and laughing as she breathed out, “I forgot to breathe.”

Carmilla laughed lightly, “perils of the mortal,” was all she said, letting the hand that was knotted in Laura’s hair to trail back down along the woman’s cheekbone. Laura found herself leaning into the touch, relishing in the feeling of Carmilla’s skin against her own, and she closed her eyes.

When Carmilla kissed her again, it was different to the first one. This one was soft and delicate and over far quicker than she would have liked. Laura wasn’t even sure it had happened until she opened her eyes and found Carmilla still very much in her personal space and still very much holding her in the same delicate way that she had just kissed her.

And as Laura looked at her, the woman that until a few hours ago she had believed meant nothing to her but now for one reason or another seemed to mean everything, Laura felt safe. It didn’t make sense - it _shouldn’t_ make sense - because the woman holding her was the epitome of everything that wasn’t safe or secure or any of the feelings that Laura was suddenly feeling but for some reason that couldn’t be explained by anything even if she wanted to…Laura felt safe.

So she did the only the she seemed capable of at the time and she leaned in to press her lips against Carmilla’s again. She sighed, and she smiled and she pulled Carmilla closer, closer, closer, until it wasn’t possible for Carmilla to get any closer and then she pulled back only very slightly and she whispered against Carmilla’s lips.

“I love you.”

There was silence, and Laura felt Carmilla pull back and then rest her forehead against Laura’s before the reply was whispered in a way that made it all the more intimate and special and Laura felt something in the pit of her stomach flutter.

“I love you too.”


	2. Events I

**II. Events part I (or the calm before the storm)**

 

**.**

 

If Laura had any preconceived ideas regarding what a relationship with Carmilla Karnstein would entail, she was almost certain that they would be wrong.

 

Despite what everyone might think, Carmilla was nothing if not a delicate lover. Everything she did was done with the utmost of care and compassion, as though Carmilla was sure that if she did anything else, Laura would break, and it always surprised Laura because every other aspect of Carmilla’s life was rough around the edges to say the least.

 

The thing that surprised her most, though, was the fact that a relationship with Carmilla Karnstein was _easy_. It just seemed to flow, to happen without too much thought. Everything just seemed to fall into place and before she knew it she was graduating and Carmilla was sat next to her dad in the audience, and Laura wasn’t sure who looked more proud out of the two of them.

 

It wasn’t long after graduation that Laura found herself on a plane to Paris, (because that’s where they were going to live – something she still couldn’t quite believe, to be honest) and it seemed like they had barely blinked before she was the live-in girlfriend of Carmilla Karnstein.

 

And the strange this was…it didn’t scare her at all.

 

They had found the apartment the summer prior, when Carmilla took her to Paris during the summer break because that’s what Carmilla-the-girlfriend does. It was cosy and small and kind of out of the way, but Laura fell in love with it and by the end of the summer they were signing papers – her name next to Carmilla’s on an actual lease for an actual apartment that wasn’t a dorm room, in a city she hadn’t ever really considered living in before. And maybe they were crazy. Maybe this was all a ridiculous idea and she would regret it later down the line. Maybe she would be calling her dad in tears because this was all a huge mistake and she wanted to come home. Maybe she should be feeling more nervous about moving in with Carmilla, but she didn’t and thought that maybe that was because she had technically been living with Carmilla for several years already back in their dorm room at Silas.

 

Sure, this was different. This was bigger – an actual apartment with bills and rent. This wasn’t a university room placement that she could ask to get changed if things went downhill. This was an apartment in a foreign city and yeah, maybe she should be more nervous about it, but when she looked down at her signature next to Carmilla’s she couldn’t help but feel like this was right.

 

It was right, and sure she could regret it later but she didn’t think she would because being with Carmilla was as easy as breathing.

 

And she didn’t think she could ever regret anything that came with being in a relationship with Carmilla Karnstein.

 

///

 

They had been living in Paris for a year when _it_ is first brought up, and it was the first time in the entire span of their relationship that Laura and Carmilla really fought. There was yelling and crying and Carmilla slept on the small couch that had been a move-in gift from Laura’s dad, and when they woke up the next morning they avoided eye contact and left without anything more than a curt “bye”.

 

There was a mutual agreement when they both arrived home that night that there would be no more discussion on the topic that day, and by the time they went to bed it was, for the most part, forgotten.

 

Until of course, Laura brought _it_ up again a few weeks later.

 

The two thus pursued a cycle wherein Laura would bring _it_ up, sometimes over dinner, sometimes while the two watched television or were walking in the park. Carmilla would retort with her usual response – a short, “no” – and Laura would launch into a well thought out and thoroughly researched spiel with frequent reminders that _“I’m asking, Carm. It’s not as though I’m not willing”_ and Carmilla would reply with, _“It’s dangerous. It could kill you_.”

 

Both parties would end up crying and yelling things they would inevitably regret later. Carmilla would choose to sleep on the couch, leaving Laura to fall asleep, hugging Carmilla’s pillow close to her chest while they both tried to stifle their tears knowing full well that the other was crying just as much.

 

It was painful, but neither was willing to step down from their position and they both knew it.

 

///

 

The day of Laura’s 24th birthday, Carmilla picked Lafontaine and Perry up from the airport.

 

The three had reached a point of tentative friendship. It was probably more than that and everyone knew it but nobody would actually say it because Carmilla was stubborn and whenever it did happen to be brought up in conversation, she would huff and state that they were _“acquaintances”_ or _“friends to some degree. We aren’t chummy”_ and leave it at that. Lafontaine took what they could get, though, while Perry wasn’t sure she even wanted a friendship with Carmilla at all. She had mellowed out considerably over the years, but there’s still something about being friends with a vampire that just…unnerves her.

 

Either way, they were working towards friendship, wherever they stood with each other, and that was how Carmilla ends up with the ginger twins in her car, driving them from the airport back to her and Laura’s shared apartment.

 

 “So I spoke to Laura the other day,” Lafontaine started with an air of indifference. Both Carmilla and Lafontaine knew where the conversation as going, though, and Carmilla ground her teeth together and her hands tightened in their grip on the wheel.

 

Perry remained silent in the backseat.

 

“Is that so?”

 

Lafontaine hummed. “She was kind of upset.”

 

They glanced at Carmilla out of the corner of their eye, and felt somewhat bad for bringing this up. From what they had heard from Laura, this was a touchy subject for the vampire, and they didn’t want to stomp all over the admittedly small progress they had made in becoming friends with her. But they also knew they need to suss out exactly where Carmilla stood on the subject matter and in order to do that the two of them needed to have a conversation.

 

Having that particular conversation while they were in a car stuck in traffic with no where to run seemed like a good idea when it had first occurred to them, but in hindsight there appeared to be a few slight details that LaF had missed. The greatest one being that Carmilla was the one behind the wheel and, if she had chosen to, she could quite easily have steered them off the highway and kill them all.

 

Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea.

 

(Hindsight really is a bitch)

 

“Laura and I have discussed this a great deal.” The words were curt and straightforward, and LaF saw Carmilla’s grip tightened and relaxed repeatedly against the wheel. “She knows where I stand, and I don’t appreciate her sending her lackeys to try and convince me otherwise.”

 

“Laura didn’t ask me to do this, Carmilla. I’m doing this because I don’t understand your reasoning. Laura is willing, she _wants_ to. Why are you so against it?”

 

Carmilla sighed, and LaF saw the traffic in front of them move forward slightly, but stop again not long after. Once Carmilla had edged the car forward, she turned to LaF and they were startled to see the pained look in the vampire’s expression.

 

“Laura understands the consequences of vampirism. She understands the lifestyle and what it would entail. I’m not doubting that.” LaF nodded, and Carmilla sighed again, glancing quickly out the front window, as she thought over her next words. “What Laura doesn’t understand is the process required to get there; the means in which she would achieve vampirism. It isn’t straightforward. It isn’t easy. It isn’t quick. It isn’t without danger.”

 

“Have you explained this to her?”

 

Carmilla shook her head. “I’ve tried, but we rarely get to that point.” She laughed, and LaF saw the tears brimming in the corners of Carmilla’s eyes. “Laura is stubborn, and she won't see reason. Whenever I try and bring up the dangers she cuts me off. We never get to the point where I can explain them while Laura is still willing to listen.”

 

Lafontaine nodded, fully understanding both Laura’s ability to be stubborn and oblivious to anything, and Carmilla’s inability to explain anything to a stubborn and upset Laura.

 

“Maybe we can help.” Carmilla frowned, turning away slightly in order to inch the car forward once again.

 

“How so?”

 

LaF paused, thinking it over, before glancing at Perry in the backseat who gave them an encouraging smile.

 

“We could sit down with you and Laura. Let Laura explain to you her reasoning, and then you explain to Laura yours. Perry and I will mediate. If things start getting heated, we take a break.” They stopped and let Carmilla mull over the words. “The only thing is that you have to let Laura speak uninterrupted as well.”

 

Carmilla stiffened in her seat, and for a second LaF thought that the vampire was going to disagree. But then she nodded once, jaw tight and gaze remaining out the front windscreen.

 

“I can do that.”

 

///

 

They arrived home and Laura came bouncing out of the apartment building, immediately engulfing Perry and Lafontaine in a group hug with phrases like _“I’ve missed you!”_ and _“how have you been!”_ and _“it’s been far too long!”_ thrown around.

 

Carmilla was only slightly disappointed she wasn’t included in the event, until she ended up carrying all of the bags at which point she decided she would much rather have had to endure the “welcome home” parade. Not for the first time, Carmilla cursed the fact that they decided upon an apartment on the 8th floor of the building. With an elevator that rarely worked on a level Carmilla would describe as “efficient”, the view that the apartment provided was not worth the amount of walking up of stairs that was required to reach her home.

 

“Goddamnit” she muttered, having dropped a bag for the third time. She manoeuvred to pick it up, tucking it under her arm before she continued, muttering condemnation for both Perry and Lafontaine under breath as she made slow progress up the stairs.

 

///

 

If there was one thing Carmilla was certain of in this world, it was that Lafontaine did not have any understanding of the concept of patience. If anything, Carmilla would bet her entire life savings on the fact that Lafontaine did not have a patient bone in their body.

 

This revelation came due to the fact that as soon as the dishes from dinner had been cleared, they announced that it’s time for everyone to sit down and discuss the topic that was acting like the elephant in the room.

 

Carmilla was certain everyone heard the stream of curses she attempted to keep under her breath.

 

“It’s better to get it out of the way,” Lafontaine, reasoned, “we might as well do it now.”

 

There are half protests from the three other members of the room, but Lafontaine eventually gathered everyone at the dinner table, and Carmilla was listening to Laura list off her reasons for wanting to be turned.

 

“I love you,” was her main one, and she kept coming back to it. “I love you and I want to be with you. I can’t stand the thought of growing old – of _you seeing me_ growing old. I’ll die, and you’ll watch and then you’ll keep existing and I’ll be dead and I can’t stand the thought of that.”

 

Carmilla listened, and she understood, and when Laura started crying she felt that familiar tug in her heart because Laura was hurting and really it was all her fault. But Laura only saw half the picture, and that was not a good thing in any scenario, especially the one that they had found themselves in.

 

“Laura, I understand what you’re saying. I really do, but love…you don’t understand what it means to be turned.”

 

“I do!” Laura exclaimed, and Carmilla shot a glance at Lafontaine who immediately swatted Laura on the arm, telling her to be quiet and not to interrupt as though Laura was their child and they were an upset parent.

 

“No. You don’t. You understand what it means to be a vampire. You understand the consequences of the lifestyle, and what it will entail, but you don’t understand what it means to be turned.” She stopped and looked at Laura, half expecting her to interrupt again.

 

When she didn’t, Carmilla continued.

 

“In order for me to turn you, I’d have to kill you. I would have to drain you within an inch of your life, and then inject you with my poison. And then I would have to kill you. You would stay dead, for several days, and then you would wake up. You would be in pain, like your bones are on fire and like you’re choking on air. You would cry and scream and beg me to just kill you again; to end the pain you think you can’t possibly endure any more of. You aren’t even a vampire yet.”

 

Laura was looking at her, expression unreadable, and Carmilla resisted the urge to look away. To look at anything except the pained expression on Laura’s face that was making her reconsider explaining this to Laura because Carmilla knew it would cause more pain.

 

“You would have to drink my blood, a lot of it. It’s powerful, and dangerous. If you do not drink enough, you would die. If you drink too much, you would die. The balance is delicate; the margin of error is small.

 

“And then you will sleep, and remain so for a few weeks. You could die in this time. Your body could reject the changes and you could die. If it is successful and you wake up, the blood thirst is incredibly strong. You would have to learn to control it. If you can’t, it can drive you insane. This is what happens to a lot of those who get to this point. Most people don’t, though. They die before they get here.”

 

She stopped, and it was only when Perry handed her a tissue that she realised she was crying.

 

“Laura, I love you. Don’t doubt that. I want you to stay with me, for however long is physically possible. But you have to understand that this is incredibly dangerous and it’s incredibly painful. Not to mention risky. I can’t put you through that. I can’t risk losing you like that. I just…. I just can’t.”

 

Laura looked at her, and Carmilla knew that she had finally ( _finally!)_ understood. Their eyes locked and Carmilla saw the resignation, the understanding that _this_ is simply not an option.

 

When Laura finally nodded, she reached out and to grab hold of Carmilla’s hand, rubbing her thumb across Carmilla’s in an attempt to show that she did understand. That she knew that she had to find another way. And Carmilla wrapped her free hand over Laura’s nodding as well although she wasn’t entirely sure why.

 

“Okay,” Laura said, voice cracking slightly and she looked between Perry, Lafontaine and Carmilla. “So, this isn’t an option, but there’s got to be other ways…right?”


	3. Events II

**III. Events part II (or where things get bad)**

 

**.**

 

With vampirism à la Carmilla out of the question, Lafontaine and Laura set out to see if there are any other options. Meaning, Lafontaine found themself hidden in the depths of the library, flicking through pages and pages of information and hoping they would stumble upon something of even the slightest of use. 

 

It wasn’t an easy task to undertake, considering that vampirism was generally considered a subject of folklore and mythology. There were thousands of myths surrounding the subject and Lafontaine had to sift through them all to try and get to the few scenarios that held some form of plausibility. Even then, though, Carmilla would take one look at it and scoff because, _“where do you humans get these ideas?”_ and suddenly Lafontaine was right back in square one.

 

And if they were honest, they were really starting to give up hope.

 

///

 

It didn’t start out in the library, though.

 

Laura had pitched the idea of asking Mattie or J.P to turn her, and Carmilla had raised an eyebrow before wishing her luck on the task.

 

(Laura had taken that as a Carmilla giving her blessing and the next day she was on the phone asking Mattie and J.P to fly to Paris because she has “something very important to talk to you about and I don’t want to do that over the phone”)

 

Mattie, it turns out, is still very much loyal to her sister.

 

_“I promised Carmilla I would not hurt you.”_ She had said, sipping idly on her blood-wine. They were in her Paris home; a place she had acquired in the late 1900’s. Laura found it slightly over the top, but it fitted Mattie well enough so Laura tried her best to ignore the rather luxurious chandelier she was almost certain was about to drop and crush her, instead focusing on Mattie’s words and hiding the disappointment she felt after hearing them. _“Completing this request would go against that promise.”_

 

_“But I’m willing. I trust you won't kill me – not intentionally, anyway,”_ Laura argued. Her arguments had the same effect on Mattie as they did with Carmilla, and it didn’t matter how long she pushed the topic, Matska Belmonde was nothing if not loyal to her little sister.

 

Much to Laura’s - and by obligatory extension, Lafontaine’s - irritation.

 

J.P was equally (if not more) frustrating.

 

_“I’m sorry miss Hollis,”_ he said over dinner. Laura had taken him and Lafontaine to a restaurant a few blocks from the apartment. It was small, but quaint and private enough to hold their conversation without fear of being overheard. _“I don’t think I can help you.”_

 

_“Why?”_ Lafontaine and Laura demanded together. The collective sound created by the both of their voices caused J.P. to jump in his seat. He shifted uncomfortable, adjusting the placement of his knife and fork on the table and the napkin on his lap.

 

_“I just don’t think I’ll be able to do it. I haven’t exactly been a vampire for long, and even though I have a great deal of knowledge on the subject, theoretical knowledge and the practical application of it are two very different things.”_ He glanced apologetically at Laura. _“I am tremendously sorry, miss Hollis_.”

 

 

_“It’s okay, J.P.”_ Laura shook her head. _“I understand.”_

 

And she did. She does. She knows that J.P is confident in regards to understanding certain things about the world, but when it comes time to apply them to a given situation he becomes an anxious wreck. He doesn’t function well under pressure, and the situation she was asking him to place himself in is a situation with about as much pressure as you could get. It wouldn’t go over well with him, and she knows that. She does.

 

It doesn’t mean she isn’t a little disappointed, though.

 

///

 

Carmilla thought the whole thing was utterly ridiculous.

 

If, in her three hundred odd years on this earth, she hadn’t come across a means of immortality that wasn’t completely and ridiculously dangerous, what made Lafontaine and Laura believe they could find one? It was all slightly (read: _overtly_ ) ridiculous and rather ( _completely_ ) pointless.

 

The fact that Lafontaine had appeared to make the floor of Carmilla’s lounge room their personal campground had absolutely nothing to do with Carmilla’s less than enthusiastic approach to the whole project. They were, in fact, two separate reasons, and if they happened to overlap at all then that was not her problem by any means.

 

And it wasn’t as though she was about to ruin the cupcake’s enthusiasm, either. If she wished to dedicate a large portion of her time left on this earth sifting through century old books that were largely filled with tall tales and exaggerations, Carmilla wasn’t about to go stomping all over it.

 

She had better and, in her professional opinion, _more important_ things to do, after all.

 

///

 

Eventually, Lafontaine and Perry’s stay in Paris did come to an end, and Carmilla ended up standing in the airport with Laura by her side as they watched their two friends leave.

 

She accepted a hug from them both, awkwardly wrapping her arms around them and patting their backs because what else was she supposed to do with her arms? She wasn’t sure she had quite reached the stage of voluntary physical contact with the two, but Laura as smiling at her and so Carmilla smiled back and then took a few steps away from both Perry and LaF, smiling quickly once again before looking literally _anywhere_ except at the pair.

 

“Well, I’m sure we will see you both soon,” Perry said, taking LaF’s hand and smiling brightly at Laura and Carmilla. Laura beamed back and Carmilla nodded because, well, it was _true_. She wasn’t certain but she was about 98% sure she had heard Perry and Laura discussing a visit in a few months time. And even without the physical visits, Laura was Skyping the ginger twins at least every few days so Carmilla saw them enough. “Don’t get into too much trouble now, will you?”

 

“Of course not!” Laura replied, as if getting into any form of trouble was something she has never done in her life. “You keep LaF from burning their eyebrows off again, okay?”

 

Perry smiled and nodded while Lafontaine let out a small shriek of protest. With another quick hug, they both turned and then walked away, leaving Laura to sigh as she watched them disappear.

 

Carmilla put an arm around Laura’s shoulders, holding her close and, she could admit that she smiled to herself when Laura rested her head against Carmilla’s chest.

 

“I’m going to miss them both.” Laura whispered, still staring at the space Perry and Lafontaine had disappeared from.

 

“You’ll see them soon.”

 

Laura nodded and Carmilla kissed the top of her head softly before turning them both so they could return to their car.

 

///

 

She will never admit to anyone that she sort of missed the ginger twins, or that there was a small tug at her un-beating heart when she saw the remnants of Lafontaine’s impromptu campground in the living room once they had returned home.

 

Never. And no one can make her.

 

///

 

Lafontaine enjoyed air travel. They found the entire ordeal relaxing and rather productive, without the distraction of lab tests and the Internet. The amount of work they could accomplish in a single plane trip was commendable, in their opinion, even the quick ones they used to take from Silas to their parents’ house for Christmas break.

 

Perry, on the other hand, hated them, and LaF would find they spent most of the trip from Paris back to Styria holding Perry’s right hand with their left, and typing with their right. It was a skill they had perfected over the years, because Perry seemed to only be able to sleep on planes while LaF was holding her hand.

 

They discovered this on a rather memorable trip from Silas to LaF’s parents’ house in their second year at the university. Perry had a panic attack. LaF spent the plane trip trying to calm her down and telling her stories in hopes they would distract Perry enough for her to regain control over her breathing. It was a last-ditch attempt when LaF reached for her hand, rubbing circles on her palm, but it seemed to do the trick and Perry calmed and down and eventually fell asleep.

 

It turned into a habit, as most things with the two of them did. The two of them would take their seats and LaF would reach for Perry’s hand, stopping the inevitable panic attack before it began. Perry would fall asleep on Lafontaine’s shoulder, and LaF would start doing whatever work they had brought with them for that particular trip. It was a system, and it worked. Neither of them would ever question it, and LaF thus spent the flight home from Carmilla and Laura’s holding Perry’s hand, typing at their laptop and with the occasional glance down at Perry’s sleeping figure.

 

Occasionally Perry would move slightly on LaF’s shoulder, and they would look down at the sleeping figure and smile at the way Perry would scrunch her nose slightly, or murmur quietly in her sleep. At one point the airhostess stopped by to refill LaF’s coffee, and he commented on how peaceful Perry looked.

 

“Only when she’s sleeping,” LaF joked, “otherwise she’s a ball of stress.”

 

“You must love her a great deal,” the hostess joked back, and LaF rolled their eyes playfully before glancing back down at Perry’s sleeping form.

 

Yeah, they decided. They really did love her.

 

///

 

Perry woke up when they land, jolting upright and gripping harder on LaF’s hand until she regained her bearings.

 

LaF tried hard to smother their laugh, but failed rather epically and ended up being swatted over the head by their wife.

 

///

 

Their return home signalled the return of their normal routine, and LaF found themselves squeezing research for Laura in between class prep and marking. With student papers due, LaF only barely held back the cursing of their decision to become a university professor; their love for biology taking first place over their disgust with students who could barely label diagrams of animal cells correctly.

 

Honestly, it really wasn’t that hard, and the amount of time they spent swearing at student papers and lab reports was only made bearable by the fact that they seemed to be making progress on the immortality question for Laura. They didn’t tell her yet, though, wanting some solid proof before breaking the news to their friend.

 

They told Perry over dinner on a Sunday, and honestly, it could have gone better.

 

“It’s dangerous, Lafontaine!”

 

“Nothing comes without a little danger, Perr!”

 

Perry didn’t like it, and the argument turned into a cold war scenario, stretching on for the better part of four days.

 

The first night passed with LaF sleeping on the couch, tossing and turning under the scratchy blanket they had pulled from the depths of the linen closet. They woke up with a sore back and an empty house that made them squint at their phone screen, finger hovering over Perry’s name wondering if calling their wife was a good idea or not.

 

They decide against it, thinking that maybe giving Perry space for the day would help her calm down.

 

(They soon learnt that Perry wouldn’t get over it nearly as quickly as LaF first thought)

 

A second night passed, and then a third and LaF ended up standing in the hallway, staring at the closed bedroom door, behind which they know their wife is probably curled up in bed.

 

They scratched their head.

 

It took a few moments of hesitation and the formulation of a mental cheer squad for themselves before they built up enough to grasp the doorknob. It was only then that they realised that Perry could very well have locked the door before going to bed, and they sent out a quick plea that this wasn’t the case.

 

They almost cheered out-loud when they discovered that it was, indeed, unlocked, but their eyes widened and they stopped before any sound escaped. And then they were suddenly _very_ aware that they were standing in the doorway looking at the figure of their wife curled around the pillow that Lafontaine used, and they realised that it was probably (read: _definitely)_ a super creepy thing to be doing.

 

Swallowing, they took a step forward, and then another and another until they were standing beside the bed, and they noticed the tension in Perry’s shoulders and the way the muscles in her jaw tense and slacken and they knew that Perry was awake even though she was doing a fairly good job of appearing otherwise. A small smile worked its way onto LaF’s face as they realised this, and they reached down to brush a stray lock of hair out of Perry’s eyes.

 

“Perr,” LaF whispered, “I know you’re awake.”

 

Perry didn’t respond, and LaF tried not to snicker at the ball of stubbornness that was their wife, but they bit down on their lower lip and slipped into bed with about as much grace as one is capable of when their wife is upset with them and they weren’t the most graceful of humans to begin with.

 

(So it was pretty much an earthquake of the mattress variety, but Perry remained “asleep” and LaF had to give credit to their wife for her determination to remain undisturbed by their presence)

 

Once situated under the comforter, LaF hesitated for a split second before reaching over and spooning Perry from behind, pressing a quick kiss to her cheek.

 

“I love you,” they whispered into the darkness, closing their eyes and inhaling the mixed scent of coffee and detergent that they had come to associate with Lola Perry. “I’m sorry.”

 

They didn’t expect Perry to respond, but their heart jumped and a smile formed on their lips when Perry’s hand covered their own over her stomach.

 

///

 

As it happened, Perry didn’t mention the fight again and it confused LaF to the point where they wondered if they had imagined the whole thing. But then of course LaF mentioned offhandedly that they had found solid proof of this new line of research and Perry’s entire body went rigid.

 

“I don’t want to talk about this,” she said, voice void of any emotion and she avoided eye contact completely. “Can we not discuss this now?”

 

“Perry.” LaF replied, standing slowly and manoeuvring around the table to stand in front of their wife. “We need to talk about this eventually.”

 

“No we don’t!” came Perry’s quick reply. “We don’t need to talk about anything. I don’t even know why you’re doing this.”

 

“Because Laura asked me to.”

 

“Laura should be doing it if it’s what she wants.”

 

LaF sighed. “What about this makes you uncomfortable?”

 

That seemed to be the right thing to say because Perry’s shoulders relaxed and she finally looked at Lafontaine.

 

“It’s dangerous.”

 

“That’s not the only reason.”

 

Perry looked upwards at the ceiling and LaF reached out, placing their hand on Perry’s bicep.

 

“It would change everything.” She shook her head and LaF saw the first trickle of tears beginning to slide down Perry’s cheeks. They used their thumb to wipe them off and Perry took in a shuddering breath. “If it’s successful, it would mean Laura wouldn’t be human. We would grow old and die and she and Carmilla would stay the same and it would change everything. We have a good thing happening, Lafontaine, why do we need to change it?”

 

LaF’s face softened and they pulled Perry into them, kissing her temple and rubbing her back as she began crying into their shoulder.

 

“It would mean the absolute world to Laura.” They said when shoulders stop shaking and her and tears begin to subside. “Put yourself in Laura’s shoes: you say that having them watch us grow old and die will be hard, but imagine if you were growing old and I was staying the same. How would that feel?”

 

Perry shook her head.

 

“Exactly.” LaF smiled, running the back of their hand down the side of Perry’s face, wiping the last few tears that trickled down her cheek. “Laura wants to spend forever with Carmilla. The least I can do as her friend is try and find a way to make that happen.”

 

There was a moment of silence between them, and for a split second LaF feared that Perry as going to get angry with them again. But then Perry sighed and nodded and smiled – albeit, tightly – and LaF knew that they would be okay.

 

///

 

A week passed before Laura called them on Skype and Lafontaine kind of just blurted it out in the middle of Laura telling them about the dog she was trying to convince Carmilla to adopt.

 

Once the words were out of their mouth, their eyes went wide and they watched as Laura stilled and kind of just... _sat there_.

 

“Excuse me?”

 

LaF inhaled sharply through their nose. “I may have found a way to make you immortal.”

 

There was a moment of silence. And then another. And then Laura’s face broke out into a grin and she was jumping around the room, _squealing_ and LaF sighed in relief. And when Laura finally calmed down, she was positively _gleaming_ at LaF through the webcam and LaF barely had time to prepare themselves before Laura was grilling them with approximately one-thousand-and-one questions.

 

“Okay dude, if you don’t backtrack I’m not going to be able to answer _anything_.”

 

Laura blushed and apologised and then sat still staring at them.

 

LaF swallowed and rustled through the pile of papers on their desk (that they really should probably have cleaned up at some point) until they found what they needed and turned to smile at Laura.

 

“Okay so there’s this Greek God, or Titan or whatever you want to call her. Mnemo’syne. She’s the daughter of Uranus.” LaF glanced up at Laura who was still staring at them with rapt attention. They cleared their throat and looked down at their notes again. “I wasn’t sure at first, but after reading through a lot of different books, I came across something that says she is one of the few remaining goddesses that deliver ambrosia to mortals. All you’ve got to do is convince her you’re worthy.”

 

Laura frowned, but then nodded. “Okay so all I’ve got to do is convince a Greek Goddess that I’m worthy of immortality.” She scoffed, “not a big deal or anything.”

 

“Hey,” LaF grinned, “you’re doing it for love. That’s got to mean something.”

 

Laura smiled back, but then frowned again and shifted in her seat.

 

“Hey LaF. Do you think we could keep this between us for now? Or…at least not tell Carmilla? I don’t want to tell her only to find out that it can’t happen, ya know?”

 

LaF nodded.

 

“Of course.”


	4. Events III

**IV. Events part III (or where things get _really_ bad)**

 

**.**

 

Laura met Carmilla at a small hole-in-the-wall café the day following her conversation with Lafontaine. It was their regular schedule for a Wednesday afternoon, and Laura played mindlessly on her phone until Carmilla arrived, sliding into the seat across from her and giving Laura a large, toothy grin.

 

“Guess what?”

 

“What?” Laura smiled, lowering her phone to glance at Carmilla.

 

“I have great news.”

 

Laura raised an eyebrow, “is that right?”

 

Carmilla nodded and grabbed Laura’s hand, pulling her up and out of the café.

 

“Hey! I haven’t finished my cocoa.” She sent a glare to the back of Carmilla’s head before adding, “and you literally _just_ got here!”

 

“We’ll come back later,” Carmilla insisted, smiling back over her shoulder. “I promise. I’ve just got something to show you.”

 

Laura pouted, but followed Carmilla back out onto the street. They walked for a while, Carmilla tugging on Laura’s hand every few minutes and causing Laura to stumble forward. It was generally followed with Laura mumbling about secrets and “incessant broody vampires”, but Carmilla never heard her. Or, if she did, she showed no sign of it and never reacted, which caused Laura to pout even more.

 

_(Stupid, broody vampire who doesn’t listen to her girlfriend.)_

 

When Carmilla finally stopped, it was at edge of a canal, and she turned to Laura with a bright smile plastered on her face. It was a sight that only Laura saw, really, and whenever it graced Carmilla’s face, Laura always felt a small bundle of warmth grow in her stomach and then spread through her body because she knew that this was a smile that was saved especially for her. It was a sight that only **she** got to see. It was Carmilla’s “Laura-smile”, and it always made Laura smile in response because, how could she not when she knew that Carmilla was smiling just because of her?

 

This smile was short lived, though, as her expression turned to confusion when Carmilla burst out with, “We’re in Paris!”

 

 “Well…yeah.” Laura frowned.  “We’ve been living here for a while now Carm.”

 

“We’re in Paris. Together.”

 

Frowning, Laura took a step forward. “Are you okay?”

 

Carmilla nodded, taking a step forward of her own, and grabbing onto Laura’s hand again. “We’re in Paris. Together. We’re in love in the city of love!”

 

She turned to face the canal and threw her spare arm open to gesture at the city. Laura shook her head, but turned to look anyway, smiling at the afternoon rush of people bustling around.

 

“We’re in Paris. Together. In love. I love you, Laura.”

 

Laura shook her head again, turning to face Carmilla. “I love you too Car-“ He words stopped when she saw Carmilla looking at her, eyes wide with a toothy grin on her face. In the hand that wasn’t holding onto Laura’s, she held an open, velvet-covered box and sitting on the small cushion was a diamond-studded ring.

 

“Oh my god.”

 

Laura didn’t think it was possible for Carmilla to smile any brighter, but she did, and she let go of Laura’s hand and took a step back.

 

“It’s really cliché for me to propose in Paris. But I love you, and I didn’t want to wait.” She got down on one knee and Laura felt tears brimming in the corner of her eyes. “Will you marry me?”

 

Laura shook her head, immediately realising her mistake when Carmilla’s face fell and she began to get up. Words failing her, and not knowing what to do, Laura launched herself at Carmilla, wrapping her arms around the vampire’s head in a tackle hug that send the both of them rolling dangerously close to the edge of the canal.

 

“Of course you idiot!” Laura screamed when she found her voice again. She began peppering kisses over Carmilla’s face.

 

Carmilla smiled sheepishly, blushing slightly when she caught sight of the crowd that had gathered. Gently, she pushed Laura off of her, and the two stood up.

 

“I believe this belongs to you.”

 

If Laura hadn’t been crying before, she definitely was now as she watched Carmilla place the ring on her finger.

 

“Oh my god I need to call my dad.”

 

///

 

The hustle and bustle that came with organising a wedding caused Laura to put finding a way to summon a Greek God to the back of her mind. That’s not to say she forgot about it completely, but with her dad and Perry calling every other minute, she rarely had time to think let alone focus on finding a way to summon a Greek God from wherever it was that Greek Gods existed.

 

When she did think about it, it was usually at very inappropriate times. Like when she’s lying in bed at night. Or having a shower. Or that one time during sex when she had to feign feeling sick and endure Carmilla hovering over her for several hours asking if she was okay because she suddenly imagined the Greek God watching over her while she and Carmilla were…occupied.

 

She really hated her brain sometimes.

 

Nevertheless, to say that she had forgotten about the plan would be a lie, but she hadn’t exactly dedicated as much time to it as she would have liked, so when Lafontaine called her over Skype and asked her if she would like them to take over, Laura was very appreciative.

 

“It’s no big deal, L.” LaF assured, “With Perry running around planning your wedding, it’s not like I have anything better to do.”

 

“You’re the best. Have I told you that before?”

 

“Not recently.” They grinned, “but honestly. It’s no big deal. You’re getting married! You have other things to be thinking about. Let me worry about summoning the ancient Greek God, and you focus on flower arrangements.”

 

///

 

May second came and went, and Laura and Carmilla went from “girlfriends” to “wives”.

 

Everything felt the same, and yet also incredibly different. 

 

It was still good though. It was still good.

 

///

 

They honeymooned in Asia; riding elephants in Thailand and exploring rice fields in Vietnam. Somehow Laura managed to convince her wife to take a boat trip down the canals, and Carmilla convinced Laura to spend a day touring the temples. They took far too many pictures of each other eating spiders and grasshoppers and other food they would otherwise not eat back home, and by the time they do return home, the two of them had a couple of albums worth of photos and they bickered about which ones to print out and frame for their walls.

 

“That one? _Really,_ Cupcake?”

 

“It’s cute!”

 

“I look ridiculous.”

 

(Laura won that particular discussion.)

 

(Carmilla thought Laura’s tactics were entirely unfair. Sex appeal should not be used to win fights. Especially when it was Laura who was using it against her.)

 

///

 

The ease in which the two of them settled into married life shouldn’t really have come as a surprise to either of them, but it did. Carmilla woke up each morning with a small smile plastered across her face and it surprised her exactly how easy it was to be in love with Laura Hollis. It just came naturally, and it continued to surprise her every day because loving Laura was easy, but _being loved_ by Laura was another thing entirely.

 

It was different because, for Carmilla, the art of loving came naturally. She’d always been a romantic person, and as a child she would dream of the day she met her betrothed and he would carry her away to his family’s estate. Of course, she later realised that her life’s great love would be a woman if she had any say in the matter, but the dream remained relatively the same.

 

And then she was murdered, and reanimated as a vampire and the only thing she could do to get herself through the emotional turmoil that came with that was to hope. With the realisation everything she had ever loved was now but a distant memory, she held onto the hope that one day – _one day -_ she would meet someone who didn’t hate her very existence.

 

But then days turned into months, which turned into years, and then decades and Carmilla found that being indebted to Maman came with a sacrifice she wasn’t prepared for. Not that she was prepared for anything in regards to becoming an un-dead creature of the night, but on the list of things that she wasn’t prepared for, giving up on the idea love was right at the bottom.

 

Meeting Ell was a string of events that caught her by surprise. At the time she thought it was a stroke of luck, but looking back is was probably the exact opposite. They had fallen in love quickly and secretly and the whole thing was rather like a lesbian version of Romeo and Juliet. Except Romeo was a vampire and Juliet tried to kill Romeo and then Romeo found herself locked in a coffin full of blood.

 

So really, nothing like Romeo and Juliet except in the sense that nobody won and everything was terrible.

 

The coffin really sucked.

 

The years following the coffin, though? They were pretty good. That was when she discovered her love of Paris and for the first time since she had died she really felt like she could be herself. She wasn’t confined to the experiences that Maman dictated for her everyday life. In a very literal sense, she was free.

 

Which is why she was surprised in those precious few years that she was free she didn’t seek out a romance of any sort.

 

When Maman finally caught up with her and all but forced her back into the game, Carmilla was tired. Tired of existing and not really living. Tired of the killing and the murder and the sacrifices. She was simply tired.

 

Which was probably why she didn’t try anymore.

 

She gave up on love, and she gave up on the idea of ever really being happy again. She seduced young girls and she did her mother’s bidding. She did enough to get by; to keep Maman off her back, and she threw herself into the literary world.

 

Because reading about love was enough. It was enough and she had convinced herself she didn’t need any more. She didn’t need love outside of the characters in the books she picked up from thrift shops and garage sales. They were enough. 

 

Which was why when Laura came into her life, all cookies and heroism and _“I know you’re not just doing it for me”_ Carmilla was entirely unprepared for the onslaught of feelings she experienced.  More so, was she unprepared for her inability to refrain from acting on those feelings.

 

Everything about Laura surprised her; caught her off-guard and threw her into a never-ending loop of affection and annoyance, and _love_. She fell in love with everything that Laura was, and everything she ever will be, and the whole situation continued to surprise her because yeah, loving Laura came easily to Carmila, but Laura loving _her?_ That was something different.

 

Because until Laura, Carmilla had convinced herself that she it wasn’t possible for her to be loved.

 

///

 

One of the things J.P. liked to think about himself was that he was loyal to his friends. He had thought a great deal about what it would be like to be reunited with a body while he was trapped in the library, and sure, being resurrected as a vampire was not one of the things he had considered. But it was nice not being a mechanical consciousness, and he had Lafontaine to thank for that, so he had promised himself (and them) that he would help them whenever they needed it.

 

Summoning an ancient Greek Goddess from god-knows where was not something that he had thought they would need his assistance with.

 

(He thought that maybe he should have spent more time considering unusual scenarios when preparing himself for his newfound life)

 

Of course, he knew as soon as LaF asked why they were asking for this particular piece of information, he just wasn’t one hundred per cent sure he should be giving it to them.

 

“It’s incredibly dangerous,” he repeated several times, “are you sure you want to do this?”

 

They nodded. “Yeah, Jeep. I’m sure. This is probably the only way Laura can live forever without becoming a vampire, right?”

 

He nodded because yes, he had done his own research, and this was certainly the most likely way Laura was to achieve the status or immortality. That didn’t mean he was okay with simply handing over the information. But LaF was looking at him and he felt nervous under their gaze, so he shuffled around awkwardly before sighing and nodding because he’d rather they get the information from him than from a dirty book in the back of a library somewhere.

 

“Okay fine.” He relented, “but I’m going to be there when you do this.”

 

LaF nodded, and J.P sighed again before telling them exactly what they needed to do.

 

At least this way he could make sure that both of them are safe.

 

///

 

They summoned the goddess on a Wednesday evening when Carmilla was out of town.

 

LaF flew in the night before, J.P picked them up from the airport, and they stayed in a hotel until Carmilla had left and Laura was alone in the apartment.

 

It didn’t take long for LaF and J.P. to set up the required equipment. Laura had spent the better part of the last month hunting down the obscure bowls and incense. She hid them in a box under the bed, right behind her secret cookie stash that she knows isn’t that secret but Carmilla pretends not to know it’s there and rarely goes searching under the bed so she knows Carmilla wouldn’t find the box of obscure relics (un) commonly used to summon ancient Greek Goddesses.

 

It was a rather stressful week.

 

“Right so,” LaF looked around at the set up and nodded to themselves. “Laura, you just need to stand in the middle of the circle and repeat the phrase I’ve written on the paper.”

 

Laura nodded, looking at the paper she had been holding. She hadn’t even realised she was as tense as she was until she saw the crumpled paper in her hands. “Right.”

 

“Just relax, Mrs Hollis,” J.P smiled. “Lafontaine and I will keep watch over you while you’re there. Just explain your case and if she agrees, you will return immortal. If she doesn’t, you’ll return mortal. No harm will come of you.”

 

“And you’re sure of that?” Laura swallowed. J.P. nodded. “Alright. I can do this.”

 

LaF nodded, and Laura exhaled slowly before looking down at the piece of paper.

 

She began to recite.

 

///

 

It was dark when she woke up, and for a second she wondered if the last few years of her life had all been a dream because she realised she was in her childhood bedroom.

 

Pushing the bed sheets off of herself, she slipped out of bed and padded across the hard wood floors towards the door.

 

“Nice of you to join me, Mrs Hollis.”

 

Laura froze, eyes widening as she registered the other presence in the room, and she turned on her heels to come face to face with an incredibly tall women leaning against the window.

 

“Yes! That’s me.” She exclaimed, “I mean, uh, nice to meet you?”

 

The woman chuckled, pushing herself off the window. Laura swallowed, looking around quickly before her eyes widened again as the woman reached out and cupped her cheek. The hand was cold, but comforting all the same, and Laura relaxed slightly as she let the woman examine her.

 

“The pleasure is mine.” Was all she said, releasing Laura’s face and turning to walk over to the bed. “It’s very rare that I get summoned these days.”

 

Laura simply nodded, unsure of what to say in response.

 

The woman sat, getting comfortable on the bed before looking at Laura. “So tell me, child. Why is it you asked for me?”

 

“Well,” Laura breathed out, running a hand through her hair. Her eyes darted around the room and she noted that, wherever they were, it was a very good replica of her childhood bedroom. “I wanted to ask you to make me immortal.”

 

“Yes. But _why_?”

 

Laura swallowed. “My wife, Carmilla. She’s a vampire. I want to live out eternity with her, but she says that the process to make me a vampire is too dangerous. She doesn’t want to risk it. Risk hurting me.” She locked eyes with the woman who was watching her with a blank expression. “So I looked into, uh…other options? And I found you.”

 

There was silence after Laura spoke, and for a second she dreaded that she would be neglected. That she wasn’t worthy enough.

 

“My help is not without it’s consequences, little girl.” The woman stated, “I must receive something in exchange.”

 

“I’ll do it.” Laura rushed out, a single nod of her head confirming her words. “Whatever it is, I’ll do it.”

 

The woman smiled at her, tilting her head and surveying the tiny woman front of her. All stubborn surety and little to no apparent understanding of what she was giving up.

 

“My dear, I don’t think you fully understand.”

 

“I understand enough.”

 

The woman laughed. “Laura, you’re agreeing to give up something so integral to who you are - to your very existence. Are you sure you’re ready?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“You don’t even know what it is.”

 

“I don’t care. Anything is better than growing old and dying while Carmilla lives on. She would have to watch me die; I would have to grow old without her. I can’t do that.” She shook her head, voice cracking slightly, “I just can’t. So do what you have to do, I’ll do whatever you want in return. Just…please. Do this. I’m ready.”

 

The woman went silent, and Laura prepared herself for a negative answer, but then the woman took a step forward.

 

“Very well,” she stated, “if this is what you want, I will do it. But I _will_ make my exchange.”

 

Laura nodded eagerly and the woman moved forward, placing her thumb against Laura’s forehead. “Close your eyes,” she ordered, and Laura obeyed, closing her eyes and the woman begins chanting in what Laura guessed was Ancient Greek.

 

A warm feeling began to spread through her body, and with a cry her eyes snapped open and she thought she was going to explode. The world got brighter, brighter, brighter, until everything was white and she couldn’t see anything. Her body was on fire and she was choking on air.

 

And then, there was nothing. 

 

///

 

Carmilla was making cocoa in her hotel room in Spain when Lafontaine called saying that she needed to get back to Paris because something had happened to Laura. She had taken the first flight back to France and told the taxi driver to drive as fast as possible back to the apartment.

 

She found Laura unconscious on the bed.

 

“What happened?” The words came out harsher than intended, but all Carmilla could really process at the moment was that her wife was unconscious and LaF seemed to know why and yet nobody was telling her anything. “It had better be a really good reason.”

 

LaF had the decency to look apologetic, and they ran a hand through their hair before wincing as they explained. “Laura kind of asked me to help her summon a Greek Goddess to make her immortal?”

 

It came out as more of a question than a statement, and it still took Carmilla a second before the words really sunk it.

 

“She did _what?”_

 

The sound that came out of the vampire’s mouth could only be described as a screech, and LaF shrunk back into themselves as they debated whether or not it was likely that they would be able to escape before Carmilla skinned them alive.

 

Carmilla, for her part, resisted the urge to severely injure Lafontaine, and instead settled for attempting to get as much information out of the ginger as possible.

 

“How long has she been like this?”

 

“Two days.”

 

Carmilla nodded. “Has anything changed? As she said anything? Moved at all?”

 

LaF shook their head and Carmilla nodded again. It could have been worse, after all.

 

(She could have been dead)

 

(But Carmilla wasn’t going to think about that)

 

Carmilla ran a hand through her hair, as though loosening the knotted tressed would somehow alleviate the stress that was coiling within her body. She needed to gather her thoughts, was the first thing she decided. She needed to calm down and gather her thoughts, because Laura’s life could very well be hanging in the balance and Carmilla really needed to get her act together because Laura needed her. Actually, definitely needed her, and Carmilla knew she would be useless unless she calmed down.

 

And she knew she couldn’t calm down while Lafontaine was still in her general presence.

 

“I need you to not be here right now,” she said, spinning on her heel to face LaF, who had brought themselves out of the self-made cocoon of their jacket and had removed themselves from the apartment wall. “Thank you for calling me, but I really need you to leave. Right now.”

 

LaF nodded and left rather quickly, scampering out of the room resembling something of a small bird, and Carmilla found that her head was already somewhat more clear. When heard the apartment door slam shut, she turned her attention to the closed bathroom door.

 

“J.P. I know you’re in there.”

 

The man stuck his head out and the look on his face made Carmilla laugh despite the feeling of dread that was growing in her stomach.

 

“For what it’s worth, Mrs Hollis, I tried to talk them out of it.”

 

Carmilla smiled. “Thank you. Now do you mind helping me? I need to set up an IV so she doesn’t die before waking up.”

 

J.P. nodded.

 

///

 

A week later and Carmilla was once again making hot cocoa.

 

It ended up being abandoned on the kitchen bench, though, when she heard the coughing fit that alerted her to the fact that Laura was waking up.

 

(There were times in which she liked the fact she possessed vampiric speed. This was definitely one of those times).

 

Her eyes had barely scanned the room once before her brain registered the scene before her.

 

Laura was standing beside the bed, looking around with an expression of fear and concern etched all over her face.

 

“Cupcake,” Carmilla tried, her voice breaking halfway through the word. She swallowed before trying again. “Laura. Are you okay?”

 

Laura’s eyes locked onto hers, and she appeared to be searching Carmilla’s features for… _something_. The woman’s eyes darted across Carmilla’s face and Carmilla resisted the urge to close the distance between them and enclose Laura in her arms because it seemed as though Laura was trying to process something and Carmilla didn’t dare interrupt. Whatever it was.

 

When Laura finally did speak, it was enough to send Carmilla’s heart plummeting into her stomach.

 

“I’m sorry but…do I know you?”

 

If Carmilla’s body had contained air, it would have been knocked out of her with that one, simple sentence. Instead Carmilla felt her eyes widen and her body go rigid as she tried to process the words that had just left her wife’s mouth.

 

“What did you-“ Carmilla stuttered, her head shaking slowly as she looked at Laura, studying the way her wife’s eyebrows were knitted together and the downward turn of her mouth in hope that she would see something – _anything_ – that showed that this was just some form of joke.

 

A badly timed joke like this would be better than the though that… _this_ …were real. That _this_ was actually occurring.

 

She found no such sign, though, and it seemed as though Carmilla’s body was functioning on autopilot because she felt her head shake again and then she was locking her gaze with Laura’s. Laura stilled in front of her once their gazes met, and there was a moment of thick silence before Carmilla finally spoke again. “What did you just say?”

 

A pause; a brief moment where the air thickened even more around them and time seemed to still, to pause as though it were prolonging this one particular moment in Carmilla’s existence, in some kind of prolonged torture of Carmilla’s feelings.

 

_Well_ ha, ha _to you too, universe,_ Carmilla thought, _you’ve successfully tortured me._ And she prayed. She prayed to every deity that had ever and will ever exist that the next words out of Laura’s mouth were not the ones she had thought she had heard a mere few moment before.

 

The deities, of course, were not on her side, because Laura’s brow knitted together once again and when she did speak it was slow and sure - each word drawn out leaving absolutely no room for Carmilla to mishear them.

 

“I said,” Laura stated, staring straight at Carmilla, “do I know you?”

 

And just like that, Carmilla felt her entire world collapse around her.


	5. The End

**V. Losses (or The End)**

 

**.**

 

Throughout her many years of existence on earth, Carmilla had entertained the self-notion that she was a fairly resilient being. As far as things go, she had bounced back from situations and circumstances that, to a certain degree, she was fairly certain most people would collapse in. That she would have collapsed in had she been human whilst enduring them.

 

Vampirism was one thing. It was a shock at first, of course it was. Having her humanity taken from her is not something one adjusts to quickly. But she did adjust, eventually. Once the shock had worn off and the dust had settled, so to speak. She had adjusted and she had moved forward with her existence.

 

If life had thrown it’s fair share of curveballs at her, death had taken to beating her with the bat until she couldn’t move. A dramatic metaphor, definitely, but it was true. Her life, as unfair as she had thought it at the time, was predictable. She knew what to expect and what was expected of her. Death had provided a freedom she was not used to, and she did not know how to navigate it.

 

But she adjusted, and she got used to it, and learned to navigate the world that was now open to her (despite it’s nature to change and grow and move forward with technologies Carmilla couldn’t of even imagined when she was human). She had her heart ripped out of her chest, and she was quite literally buried underground for several years. She saw things she never thought she would, and witnessed trends and events and centuries come and go. People born and died.

 

She adjusted.

 

She bounced back.

 

She was resilient.

 

This though? She wasn’t so sure she could bounce back from this.

 

///

 

“What do you mean you have no idea how this happened?”

 

Lafontaine’s eyes widened and they took a step back, banging into the desk and causing a few books and pens to fall to the floor. They swallowed, staring at Carmilla and wondering if it were likely that they would make it to the door before the vampire ripped their throat out.

 

It wasn’t likely, they determined.

 

“I just-“ they swallowed again, eyes darting to the ceiling as if it held the answer to the situation they found themselves in. “There wasn’t anything in the literature about…I didn’t read anything about memory loss!”

 

“So you just thought you’d meddle with Ancient Gods and _not_ make sure you knew absolutely everything that could happen?” Carmilla took another step forward, and LaF was sure they saw her eyes flash for a minute as she fixated on them. “Because that seems like an incredibly smart thing to do?”

 

Carmilla’s sarcasm was evident, but LaF thought that it probably wasn’t a great time to comment on that.

 

“Yes?”

 

“You stupid, insolent, naive human being.”

 

Wincing, LaF shrugged in way of an apology and Carmilla shook her head. She stopped moving though, and LaF stepped away from the table, slowly in case Carmilla decided that their neck was on the lunch menu. “Sorry?”

 

“Sorry doesn’t cut it. How could you let this happen?”

 

“Laura wanted it. She was the one that decided we would try.”

 

“You are supposed to be the smart one! You’re meant to do the research, uncover all the facts!” Carmilla threw her hands up, and when her voice cracked slightly LaF realised that she was holding back tears. “My fiancé isn’t one of your experiments, Lafontaine!”

 

They winced again. “I can fix this. I’ll do more research, there’s got to be something we can do. J.P. and I will fix this. We will get her memory back. I promise.”

 

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep.”

 

Carmilla barely shot them a second glance when she turned on her heel and strode out of the apartment.

 

(If LaF didn’t know any better, they’d say Carmilla swooped out.)

 

///

 

Her name was Laura Hollis, apparently, and she was married to a vampire.

 

It wouldn’t be so odd if everyone would just _address_ this because to Laura, being married to a vampire was something she would like to talk about. Also goddesses? Magic? This was a lot to take in, but no one seemed to want to sit down and _talk_ about it. They kina just…skimmed over it? Gave her the bare minimum and then just expected her to go with it.

 

She was a bit overwhelmed, honestly. And she didn’t want to offend anyone, but she really needed space to process. Losing your memory is hard enough without finding out you’re married to vampire and casually summoned a Greek Goddess on personal quest for immortality, to be honest.

 

So she got a hotel room.

 

Carmilla reacted rather well, in Laura’s opinion, and she could see how she fell in love with her. When she told her, Carmilla handed her a piece of paper with a phone number on it. Her dad’s, apparently.

 

“Uh, Perry called him. She explained things… best she could. He’s a bit worried though, and I think it will do you both good to sit down and talk things through.” Carmilla seemed _nervous_ , as she was saying this, and he eyes kept darting around the room. It was rather endearing, Laura thought, considering this person was a centuries old _vampire_ and yet she seemed so…small. Fragile, almost. And it made sense, Laura figured, because they were _married_ and Laura was for all intents and purposes, moving out of their home. Even if it was just a temporary measure. She thinks that maybe Carmilla is just as confused and hurt by this situation as she is.

 

“Thanks,” Laura smiled, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear and pushing the piece of paper into her jacket pocket. She barely thought about it before she wrapped her arms around Carmilla, breathing in the scent of her shampoo and thinking again that she could see how she fell in love with her before this whole debacle happened. “I’ll call you tomorrow.”

 

Because she would, after all. Once she had some time to sit back and process and try and figure out who she was. After she had called her dad.

 

After she had _talked_ about it.

 

///

 

If they were to be really about it, Lafontaine would admit they didn’t like the chances they had at reversing whatever it was that had happened to Laura.

 

They weren’t about to tell that to Carmilla though. The amount of anger projected from her was enough to make Lafontaine convince themselves that maybe if they looked hard enough, _something_ would come up. Anything.

 

They still didn’t like their chances though.

 

///

 

“You summoned Mnemo’syne.”

 

It wasn’t so much a question as it was a statement, and Lafontaine looked up to see the vampire was standing rather still. Her arms were crossed over her chest, and she was looking at Lafontaine without expression, and LaF found they were at a loss of how to react.

 

They settled on simplicities.

 

“Yes.”

 

Carmilla studied them; eyes staring into LaF’s as though the vampire were looking into their very soul. And LaF found themselves staring back, unable to tear their eyes away.

 

When Carmilla said nothing further, LaF swallowed. “Have you, uh…come across this before?”

 

They were released from whatever hold Carmilla had them under when the vampire glanced away, dropping her arms to her sides and moving forward to lean against the desk LaF had been working on.

 

“I have,” Carmilla responded, “a long time ago.”

 

“So you know what to do?”

 

Carmilla looked down at them, and LaF didn’t think they had ever seen such a look of sadness written across one face.

 

(It was only made worse by the fact Carmilla left without so much as another word.)

 

///

 

In all the years Lafontaine had known Carmilla Karnstein, the thing they had come to realise about her was that she wasn’t the most patient of people. Especially when it came to the one person she loved more than anything else in the world. Which is why LaF shouldn’t have been all that surprised when Carmilla came storming into their temporary research lab slash hotel room and demanded that they and J.P. summoned the Greek Goddess because she was, _“going to demand that she return Laura to the way she was or so help me I’ll destroy her myself.”_

 

Roughly one thousand reasons why that was a bad idea ran through LaF’s mind, but one look at Carmilla’s face and they realised that nothing they say would change her mind.

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Okay then. Give me a day or so to make sure we’ve got everything.”

 

Carmilla gave a curt nod before turning on her heel and leaving.

 

(LaF still thought she swooped)

 

///

 

They gathered together in Carmilla’s apartment on a Saturday morning. Perry had volunteered to take Laura out, saying that Laura probably wasn’t in a place to witness the whole ordeal, and Perry didn’t _want_ to witness it.

 

“I’m stressed enough knowing what you’re doing.” She said, shrugging on her coat, “I don’t want to stand here and cause you to stress as well. The three of you need to be in the best place you can be. And we all know that that place is somewhere that I am not.”

 

She kissed LaF quickly and offered a smile to J.P. and Carmilla, before leaving to meet Laura at the coffee shop down the street.

 

(Apparently Laura had been talking to her dad, and the plan was that Perry would help her sort through the things she now knew about herself.)

 

(It made sense, but Carmilla still wished that Laura had come to _her_ for help with it all)

 

///

 

Once again, it didn’t take long for LaF and J.P. to set up the required equipment. This was partially due to the fact that they had done it before, and partially due to Carmilla being there to help this time around.

 

“Right so,” LaF looked up at Carmilla and gestured to the set up. “You know what you’re doing, I assume?”

 

Carmilla nodded, resisting the urge to roll her eyes because of course she knew what she was doing. It was Lafontaine who didn’t.

 

“Do you need the words?”

 

Carmilla just shook her head, and after a nod from J.P. she began to recite.

 

///

 

Of all the goddamn places the Goddess could have picked, it _had_ to be Ell’s house that Carmilla woke up in.

 

Thinking back, it shouldn’t have been so much of a surprise, because Ell’s house was the first place Carmilla really felt happy after she had been turned. It was the first place she really had hope that her life after death wasn’t simply going to be an endless repetition of wooing girls to their inevitable early demise.

 

Regardless of that, though, it was a kick in the heart and Carmilla didn’t particularly appreciate waking up to the familiar blank room, with the fireplace still burning brightly in the corner and the blankets that scratched her body but still provided a strange sense of comfort.

 

She rolled her eyes.

 

Despite knowing she was alone in the room for the time being, Carmilla rolled out of bed and glanced around as if she were expecting the goddess – or someone else – to barge in. Having reassured herself that it wasn’t going to happen just yet, she allowed herself to relax and examine the familiar surroundings, unable to stop the influx of memories that played like a tape through her mind.

 

“I felt it was fitting, considering the circumstances.”

 

Carmilla spun around, the white of her nightgown billowing around her. “It’s strange to see this place again.”

 

The woman smiled, “do you like it?”

 

Carmilla nodded.

 

“I thought you might.”

 

The woman took a step towards her, and Carmilla suddenly felt very small in comparison. The woman, smiled again, not unkindly, and ran the back of her hand down Carmilla’s face, pausing at her chin and tilting her head to the side in order to examine Carmilla’s face.

 

“It’s nice to see you again, Countess Karnstein.”

 

“I’m no longer a Countess,” Carmilla retorted. “But likewise.”

 

Dropping her hand, the woman stepped back. “I assume you are here because of Miss Hollis.”

 

It wasn’t so much a question as it was a statement, but Carmilla nodded in response anyway, earning a sigh from the goddess. “I did warn her.”

 

“Obviously not enough.” Carmilla frowned. “Or clear enough.”

 

The Goddess shook her head. “Miss Hollis was not interested in hearing the terms of my services. She was merely interested in the end result.” She tilted her head and eyed Carmilla up and down. “If I remember correctly, her words were along the lines of _‘I don’t care. Anything is better than growing old and dying while Carmilla lives on’_.”

 

Carmilla looked away. That was definitely something Laura would say.

 

“She clearly loves you.”

 

“And I love her. Which is why I need you to change her back. Give her back her mortality. Her memories. Please.”

 

The woman smiled.

 

“Why, Countess Karnstein, are you begging?”

 

Carmilla nodded, glancing down at the floor before back up to meet the jeering eyes of the woman before her.

 

“That’s certainly something I never expected to come from you.” She pursed her lips, glancing at the door behind Carmilla for a moment. “I have something to show you.”

 

Before Carmilla could question the woman, the scene around them faded and changed until they were in a grassy clearing Carmilla vaguely recognised as being the field behind Ell’s estate.

 

She heard giggling, and she turned her head to see Ell – older than she remembered – running towards them with a small child running behind.

 

Turning, she looked back at the woman who was watching the scene with a fond smile on her face. “What is this?”

 

“This,” the woman replied, “is what would have occurred had you not met Ell.”

 

Carmilla frowned, turning back to watch as the child – a boy, she saw – jumped onto Ell’s back and the two of them went tumbling to the ground.

 

“Is that…?” Carmilla trailed off, still staring at the laughing figures on the grass. They both looked so happy. So carefree, and Carmilla didn’t exactly need the confirmation of _who_ the woman was, so much as she needed assurance that what they were watching was a figment of their imagination. A scene that had not actually occurred while Carmilla knew the woman. Because she looked to happy; happier than Carmilla had remembered her, and as much as she wanted to tear her eyes away and look _anywhere_ else, Carmilla found she couldn’t look anywhere but at the smiling face of her past love.

 

“That is Ell, and the child she would have had if she had not died at the hands of your mother.”

 

Carmilla tore her eyes away and glared angrily at the woman. “Why did you bring me here?”

 

“To show you.”

 

“But _why_?” She felt the hot tears as they spilled down her cheeks, and she continued glaring at the woman who appeared unaffected by the outburst of emotion.

 

“Because you needed to see.”

 

Carmilla glanced back at Ell and her would-have-been son. They were sitting up now, and Carmilla could hear muffled words being exchanged between them, but was unable to discern what was being said. Not that she would have wanted to. It was hard enough seeing Ell so happy without her, let alone knowing that this was the future Carmilla had taken from her.

 

“Would you like to move on?”

 

Carmilla nodded, and as the scene began to fade away so glanced once more at Ell’s smiling face. _“I’m so sorry.”_ She whispered.

 

When the world faded in again, Carmilla realised she was standing on the corner of street that appeared to be New York, and it took less than a second for Carmilla’s eyes to fall onto Laura.

 

She wasn’t smiling; rather, she looked incredibly nervous and unsure of herself and Carmilla found herself running her eyes over the features of Laura’s face to make sure that this was indeed her Laura.

 

It was, Carmilla decided, although she looked younger than Carmilla remembered her to be.

 

“Where are we?” she questioned, eyes staying trained on Laura who was now shuffling from foot to foot and chewing on her lower lip as she glanced around herself. “ _When_ are we?”

 

The woman smiled. “New York. 2014. This is shortly before Laura accepted her offer to Silas.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Just watch.”

 

She did. Turning back to where Laura was standing on the curb staring up at a building behind Carmilla. There was a small frown on her face, and she was gripping tightly onto a bag slung over her shoulder, although her feet had settled into one spot.

 

Laura sighed, glancing around her once more before turning and walking away.

 

“What was that?” Carmilla glances at the woman. “What was the point of showing me that? Why are you wasting my time?”

 

“That was Laura backing away from an interview she had with the New York Times. She chose to go to Silas over working with the newspaper.” The woman explained, “and it certainly wasn’t a waste of your time. Do not accuse me of such things, Countess.”

 

“Why did she walk away?”

 

“I’m not entirely sure of her reasoning. But if she had gone ahead with it, I can assure you that she would have gotten the job. She would not have gone to Silas, and she would not have met you.”

 

Carmilla frowned. “Why are you showing me this?”

 

“Because you need to know.”

 

No further information was offered, as the woman simply returned Carmilla’s gaze with a blank face for a short while before changing the scene around them once again.

 

When Carmilla looked around herself, she realised was her mother’s apartment at Silas.

 

_“You’ve done well, my glittering girl. I’m very proud of you.”_

 

The voice sent shivers down Carmilla’s spine, and she watched as her mother stood up from her chair and made her way over to the other Carmilla in the scene. _“You’ve proven yourself a wonderful accomplice. For that you will be rewarded.”_

 

Her mother turned to face the window and Carmilla watched herself turn to face it too.

 

_“What is going to happen?”_ The other Carmilla asked, and current-Carmilla couldn’t help but frown at the way her other-self seemed to be lured by her mother’s compliments. It was as thought she were a pet, working tirelessly to earn her master’s approval, and current-Carmilla couldn’t help but wonder if this is what she used to be like before Laura wormed her way into her life. Did she used to act like this? Did she used to yearn for mother’s approval?

 

God she hoped not, she thought, eyes refocussing on her mother’s face. Current-Carmilla felt a shiver run up and down her spine as she watched the smile spread out on her mother’s face. _“Together,”_ The Dean said, _“we will watch the world burn.”_

 

Current- Carmilla turned and glanced out the window, and her eyes widened to see the fire that engulfed Silas University.

 

She turned to the goddess. “What is this?”

 

“This is what would have happened if Laura hadn’t come to Silas.” Came the simple reply, “If she had gone ahead with the newspaper in New York, no one would have organised the revolt against your mother.”

 

Carmilla barely had a chance to react before the scene faded, and then they were once again in Ell’s bedroom.

 

They had barely arrived before Carmilla walked over to the bed and sat down, cradling her head in her hands.f

 

“So what you’re saying is that everyone would be better off if they hadn’t have met me? Is that what you’re trying to get across here?”

 

“Not necessarily.” Carmilla felt the bed dip next to her as the woman sat down. “The students who would have died in the fire at Silas certainly would not have been better off.”

 

“But Ell…. Laura…They would have been better off without me?” She looked at the woman who shrugged.

 

“It depends on your particular definition of better.”

 

Carmilla shook her head again. “What are you trying to prove here?”

 

The woman was silent, and Carmilla stared at her, waiting. For what, exactly, she wasn’t sure, because she honestly wasn’t sure what it is she wanted from the woman. Or what she expected.

 

“I want you to think about the options.”

 

“For what?”

 

“For Laura.”

 

“What options? There are not options!” The anger surged through her and she found herself on her feet, fists clenched at her sides. “The only option right now is that you give her back what you took from her!”

 

Carmilla spun on her heel, eyes burning as she stared furiously at the woman still seated on the bed. “That’s what I came here for. That’s all I want.”

 

“Carmilla, darling, I don’t think you fully understand.” The goddess stood up, taking Carmilla’s chin in her hand again and tilting her head to look into her eyes. “I don’t have the power to give back; only to take. What has happened to Laura is unable to be undone. I showed you these things today to show you what can happen now that these things have transpired. The life Laura can have. She had one option – the one where she fell in love with you. Now she can have the other.”

 

Carmilla swatted away the woman’s hand, taking a step back as she shook her head. “No…”

 

“I’m sorry, my Countess.”

 

“No!” Carmilla’s voice was louder, more authoritative, but thick with emotion as she fought against what the goddess was saying. The goddess, however, was not put out, and she wordlessly took a step forward, reaching for Carmilla’s hand.

 

The vampire pushed her away. Tears falling freely now, and her legs gave out suddenly from beneath her and she collapsed to the floor.

 

Cradling her head in her hands, her body shook with sobs, and the woman stood over her, watching. A blank expression on her face as Carmilla rocked on forward on her knees, begging. “No! You have to change her back. Please, just change her back…”

 

“I am so sorry, my Countess.”

 

_“_ Please…. _change her back…”_

 

_///_

 

> _“…[The supplicant] is taken by the priests, not at once to the oracle, but to fountains of water very near to each other. Here he must drink water called the water of Lethe (Forgetfulness), that he may forget all that he has been thinking of hitherto…”_
> 
> \- Pausanias, Description of Greece


End file.
